I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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