if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
