The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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