Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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