I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
