so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
