Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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