If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
