She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
