he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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