I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
