I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
