Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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