Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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