you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize