I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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