Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she peed on how many people?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
