I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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