I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize