I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
