i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
