My boss' voice literally gives me gas
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize