I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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