I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
