I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
