My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
