Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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