If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
and you fell through a lawn chair
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