Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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