dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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