My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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