I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
