It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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