96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
