my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
