i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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