He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
