Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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