Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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