I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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