The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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