There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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