would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize