Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
