Only a mothe r could love this liver
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
