I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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