OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
