I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When are your genitals available?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
