Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize