and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
