im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
