i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
