Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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