Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize