i think my tv is drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
