I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
